"I would start with a story, a hook, rather than something generic like this. This paragraph doesn't necessarily tell YOUR story. Would someone you know read this and think (without knowing who wrote it), "ah yes, this is Stafanie." It doesn't seem that way right now.
Start with a meaningful interaction you had or a impacting experience that strengthened/formed your decision to pursue becoming a PA."
"Remove this.
You're not "hoping" to become a PA, you will be a PA."
"You will be replying to patients. I'd remove this part and re-word it."
"This isn't a complete sentence. Re-word it."
"I would utilize more space to discuss other beneficial qualities of yourself aside from simply listening. The second part of this paragraph, however, is a better start. "However, the older I got, ...""
"This is great! Tell YOUR story and how it impacted your decision to become a PA, and how your experiences will make you a great PA. Also double-check your grammar there are some mistakes throughout. And "History of Present Illness" does not need to be capitalized."
"This may come off as down-talking another profession. Re-word."
"Dermatology PA" (in reference to writing "Derm PA")
"This should be capitalized as it's a name.
Anything aside from a name does not need to be capitalized, like specialties."
""became more emotional" and "knew I could be great at" is too broad. Be more specific with what you're feeling and why you think you'll be a great PA. Better yet, don't tell - show."
"This goes without saying. Be sure every word counts and serves a purpose. Remove anything unnecessary."
"This is all on your resume and does not need to be repeated."
"Remove all of this for the above reasons."
"Finish with a meaningful story, such as a patient interaction while shadowing/working with a scribe that was meaningful to you.
Be sure whoever reads this remembers you. The best way to do this is by showing your experiences and telling your story.
I would remove at least half of this essay and be more detailed about your experiences (NOT academic)."
Stay tuned for more and feel free to apply to our FREE Pre-PA coaching program (on this forum) to have your personal statement revised as well.