Hey everyone, here's an example of a revision I did for one of the students in my mentoring program. I took a broader approach to this essay than the others in this thread (check that out too!).
"For your personal statement, I recommend changing out the first paragraph with something that resembles more of a hook, a story like your second paragraph but that tells the story of how you came to choose to pursue PA school. The patient stories are great and show your problem-solving skills. However, as you mentioned, the third paragraph is a bit too much like a resume. As a general guideline, you want to include info that isn't in your resume. You CAN include info that's in your resume, but only mention it to go into more detail about how that experience made you a better future PA. Same for the 4th/5th paragraphs, I'd change them around a bit or even combine them into one and talk more about your "why" PA school. What was the epiphany that made you decide you want to be a PA? This wasn't made clear to me after reading your personal statement. For the conclusion, I recommend telling a story about your most meaningful interaction with a patient. Something that tells the
people reading your statement that you're committed to the profession and won't back out when things get complicated. This story also serves the function of helping the reader remember your statement and story."