Hey everyone! Here's another example of personal statement revisions I did for a student.
"Love the hook!
What was your role in the situation? How did this impact you to become a better future PA other than inspiring you?
A good example of patient care and how it inspired you but doesn't show a lot about how you react in these situations. I would just rely on one of these stories about being inspired and go into more detail.
Again, is there anything you did specifically to aid the situation? I would focus more on these experiences than those that appear like you were shadowing.
I like how you touched on similar verbiage from the introduction paragraph with the "yellow hue," I would also include your most impactful story within this ending paragraph. The most memorable parts of your essay will be the first and last paragraphs. Start with a strong hook (you already have a great one), and finish it off with a story that leaves the reader with this story in mind. Then, again, reiterate why you'll be a great PA from these experiences you've had (your interactions WITH patients, not necessarily observing others interacting with patients - even though this is suitable if these are the only experiences you have to write about)"